


I want to sleep next to you.

by enigma_scars



Category: Dunkirk (2017), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Counselling, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Smut, Forrest Gump References, Graphic Description, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, minefields
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 01:06:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13582758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigma_scars/pseuds/enigma_scars
Summary: Alex breaks down again. And Louis doesn't know what to do anymore. So he does what he thinks best. He kisses him and gasps when Alex kisses back."I love you, and I want you to stop hurting.""I love you, and I want to stop hurting."orThe Dunkirk AU where Alex (Harry) goes to war and comes back a shell of a man. It's Louis' responsibility to bring him back. And if they fall in love it's just destiny.Based heavily on the song 19 by Redgum.





	I want to sleep next to you.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ZiamsLarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZiamsLarry/gifts).



> @ZiamsLarry  
> I dunno if this reaches your expectations. 
> 
> But I tried my best.
> 
> I lost control near the end, I am warning you.
> 
> This could have been a longer fic, but what with being a Uni student doing a double major sucks the life out of you.
> 
> Anyways, I don't want to make any excuses, but this is what I could do. 
> 
> I hope you like it.
> 
> I changed the name of the Fic, I went with this title, because it fits better.
> 
> I hope you like it. I really hope you do.
> 
> Apologies.
> 
> XXX

“And now I can’t quite figure out how I got this rash? It itches a lot but burns if I touch it.” Alex mutters in disdain as he grabs at his shirt in the front where red angry lines lay.

“Let me look at them, Alex.” Dr. Tomlinson says as he gets up from behind the desk and moves towards Alex very slowly as if approaching a cornered wild animal.

Alex still refuses to move or stop biting on his bottom lip that had started bleeding. Louis sighed at the sight of the vague and broken shell of a boy he had seen go into war.

“Alex, may I?” Louis asks, whispering in a soothing voice.

“You may, Doctor.” Alex permits but makes no movement.

Louis lifts the t-shirt of the man who was halfway lying on the recliner. A sudden, shocked gasp left his mouth at the sight of the red bruises that lined the soldier’s chest and abdomen.It looked like nail scratches done urgently as if trying to remove something stuck on the skin itself.

“Alex, when did you notice these scars-““Rashes.” Louis is interrupted by Alex who glares at the ground with hatred towards the greyish marble tiles.

“Rashes. Okay, when did they start appearing?” Louis asks carefully.

“On Monday, I went out to get milk but didn't get it, because apparently no shops are open at 4am, and even suggesting otherwise would be absurd, apparently. But then on Tuesday night I needed coconut oil and even then the shops were closed, because demanding coconut oil at 12am is also absurd. So I checked again on Wednesday morning and saw that my entire chest was covered in these fucking scars. Sorry for cursing but they fucking hurt. I couldn't even touch them long enough to apply disinfectant or bathing soap. So I decided to apply cold water patches and then screamed at the walls holding my dead family’s faces.But the pain got so much I ended up punching holes in the walls on Thursday. The therapist the Government assigned me was you. So I immediately decided to get an appointment of yours, but no one picked my calls at the reception desk, now that I asked Vicky, she said the time I called was unreasonable. So I don't blame anyone but myself for arriving in this absurd town where nothing is available at the hours of my need.” Alex huffs, not raising his head.

“What time did you call, Alex?” Louis asks as he settles for leaning on the table edge rather than going around to his seat.

“At 2 in the night. But I needed to see you then. And now I don't even know what I am doing here.” Alex looks angry.

“Alex, now don't get angry at me for asking you this, but have you been sleeping at night?” Louis asks, clearly upset at the new found information.

“I used to get lots of nightshifts out there in Dunkerque camps. So sleeping at nights is a bit difficult. But I find no harm in that. Like honestly, what harm can come from not sleeping at night? No dreams, no nightmares, no sleeping. Easy, right, doctor?” Alex said, raising his head for the first time since he walked in half an hour ago.

Alex's eyes once held emeralds and the deepest wilds of the Amazon, but now all they held were blown black pupils with the green always missing. The skin under his eyes were a vivid contrast to his pale white skin; they were purple, almost black and held small, angry red veins that looked painfully engorged.

“Alex, are you sleeping in general?” Louis asks more concerned than a Doctor, professionally, should be.

“What would you suggest if I said I don't?” Alex says a manic look in his eyes.

“Then I would help you sleep. Help you relieve the stress and anxiety pressed inside you. You definitely deserve to release it.” Louis says, leaning down and casually running a hand through Alex's recently grown mass of curls, that would have gone with the lad’s face if only he had a bit of youthfulness inside him.

“I-I don't want your help, doctor. I don't, won't accept it. That camp doctor killed himself everyday, breathing burdened with each syringe of morphine he stuck in men he called brothers. I cannot see you that way, so burdened, shoulders hunched, eyes holding empty pools and not a single ounce of humanity left in them. I don’t want to turn you into a killer in my head, no matter how necessary it was.” Alex says with a stern passion, eyes still empty and dark, but the message was clear.

“I am not offering because you want. I am telling because you need it, and there is no way I would let you go without help. And I have worked with camps before. I know how the camp doctor felt. But I am just as much a killer Alex. I have administered morphine to several soldiers to rid them of their pain. I left the camp because I could no longer see the pain in the others faces when they had to live with lost limbs and couldn’t get a single shot of the morphine to end their agony and shame. I couldn't bear to see it through my own two eyes and breathe and live a life fully. I didn't participate in the war directly but I was always there. I knew what happened, where it happened and to whom it happened. I was there working back stage, helping men in their quest. I don't want to lose another man. Let's not become a group of genocide victims. You are a warrior, a soldier, a man who went out barehanded and came back alive, damaged, but alive. And that matters Alex. That matters a lot.” Louis said, offering his hand to Alex to help him sit up.

“And anyways, I have to report to the Army about your progress, regularly. You are one of the finest men in the army, even at such a young age, you have shown pure nerve and courage on the out fronts.” Louis’ voice had morphed into the voice of a man Alex had listened to and looked up to since the beginning of this war.

Alex saw not the face of the kind doctor, but the face of a man in a pressed uniform, medals shining on the shoulder lapels, head adorned in the army hat and face gleaming with pride.

“You are so brave and so loyal to your nation. You are the reason for our pride, all of you who are playing on their lives and giving it up for your nation will be felicitated the very next monthyou return, and you have brought honour to your name, cadets. Own it, flaunt it. But don't break down and lose yourself.” Harry had been shifted from a quaint Psychologist's office to a day in the scorching sun, standing in his pressed uniform, hair freshly cut, face held up in pride, a gut wrenching fear sitting on his chest, and the words echoing in his ears.

“This isn't our war. This isn't what most of us want. We are fighting wars men in cozy homes and no worth have created, feuds we don't know head and tail of. And yet we are patriotic to our nation. Men like you lose their lives every moment we are breathing and all they get in return is a mention in the speech by the Governor, and a shit amount of money to their family. Alex?” Louis asked as he saw Harry get up from where he was sitting upright and look at him, almost looking right through him.

“Yes sir! I understand sir!” Alex says, saluting Louis and then stomping his foot and turning around.

“Alex? Alex? What are you doing? Where are you going?” Louis calls after him as Alex begins to leave.

Still in a catatonic state, Alex doesn't realize where he is. He thinks he is on the marching ground and swiftly begins to form line to move forward. But immediately he feels a hand on his back and he yells, “Contact!”

“Alex, no!” he hears a voice, familiar but not well -known and it's calling him. He looks around and sees he isn't on a ground, there are no soldiers around him, he isn't standing on a swamp, and he isn't under attack. He realises late but does, that he was there, unharmed, standing in the therapist’s office, the cooler in the corner making the room cold, and it gave his naked arms chills.

“Alex, sit down. This isn't normal, this isn't supposed to happen.” Louis matters the last bit under his breath.

“I am- I am so, so sorry Louis, I-I just didn’t realize, I thought I was there, on the battlefield, I thought -I thought, that when you-you touched me, I was back to standing in a swamp, gun shots surrounding me. I am really sorry, Doctor.” Alex stutters out, his lips quivering, eyes almost watering.

“Sit down, Alex. Please sit down. Do you- do you want water? Something to bite on? Do you want to lie down? Blimey, Alex this is not normal. What did they do to you in the war?” Louis gasps in astonishment.

“I am fine, I really am. I don’t ever want to be there again. My mind is playing games with me. I thought you were the Army Commander, and you were giving orders to me. Then one second in and I was back to the swamp where the enemies almost got us. It was scary. Louis, I-I think, I think, I need your help. Please, please help me, I can't live like this.” Alex was almost crying, tears pooling out of the wrinkles on the sides of his eyes.

Louis was distressed; he hoped to heal this man. Make him whole somehow, but the chances of it seemed so low.

“Alex, I want to ask you, do you, do you have these flash backs or catatonic states too often?”

“Recently, quite often. Yes, it's worrisome doctor.”

“I have something to suggest, hope you don't take this the wrong way. I want you to stay around people, people you know. Like family or friends. But constantly, like this is a long process, so I want you to stay around people all the time, even at night. Somebody who can come and stay with you?”

“I don't- I don't think, that I have any family up-north, here. My immediate family died during the war, and my bestmate stays with a mate of his near Birmingham. There is really not a single person who would stay with me throughout.”

“I can only help so much, Alex. How about I think about your situation. And Friday, I tell you what to do during your appointment. Yes? That sounds alright, to-to you?” Louis says, thinking hard on what he could do to help this lad.

“That's alright with me, Doctor. But you need to help me.”

“Believe me-“ Louis said as he walked up to Alex, who was weeping now, hands covering his face. Louis bends down to his level and pulls his hands away. He had lost all his professional composure the moment Alex walked in, but something gravely maternal, came over him.

“-I will do anything and everything to help you Alex.” Louis completed.

Alex stared at Louis’ blurred blue crystalline eyes and found himself getting sucked into a trance-like motion where all he can see is blue spread out, cyan blurring in on him, and teal anchoring him. This was the magical blue land of blue ice, officially made by Louis Tomlinson, the doctor who cared too much.

Alex put his arms around Louis’ shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. Louis gasped sharply but instantly hugged back. Alex felt better already.

$~~~~~~$

“What do they do to these men? They come back broken, ragged like chipped teeth and unfinished business. It's like they are stripped of their sanity and morals and made to see the blood splatter off the wounds of their enemy. Their hands are cut and in place there are guns. Their feet are cut and in place there are rods. Their minds are cut and in place there is a vacant hollow. Their hearts are fed to them for lunch. Their souls are crushed like prunes for dessert. And their eyes are gouged out for fun. Their-“

“Are you talking about soldiers, or are you writing a poem about them, love?” Vicky asks.

“I don't know, I am stressed. Am I going crazy? I keep thinking about how terrified I was when he went all catatonic, flashback-y on me. Vicky, I went all unprofessional on him. I let him hug me, I told I would think about his situation and I am actually thinking about him. Four men have come in today and all I could think about was that all these men have come to me only as a formality but Alex actually needs me. What do I do?” Louis sounds distressed.

“You do what you do best. Follow your heart and take what it advices. Sometimes you need to follow your gut instinct. You do you, Lou.” Vicky says as she walks away with her bag and jacket, intimating Louis about her leave for the evening.

Louis groans but picks up his jacket and hat as he too exits the quarters. He walks out the building and sees the roads filled with emptiness. The dark of the winter evening chilling him to his bones.

He looks at the cloudless sky, the stars twinkling on the horizon, they make him think of the bloodshed the sky has seen, he thinks about the love stories written beneath it. He thinks of how the sky bears secrets his own heart holds, how he somehow has fallen prey to the strong arms of a soldier, and eyes that hold trauma, to a soldier whose mind is boggled with bloodshed, whose pain hurts him too. He cries within when his pain is evident and subliminal when two men secretly kissing pass his view, how hidden and forbidden his love is too.

And maybe healing Alex is more than just a professional assignment, it's a bit of a personal quest too. How will he succeed, he has no clue. But tomorrow morning when the man walks in, Louis knows he will sigh, for the sight of the man with a broken mind, adorned in glitter and charming Christmas wrap, shall break again and take with him his peace, Louis will die a thousand deaths over him and wish, Oh god heal this man, I have sinned and fallen deep in this trench of felony.

Oh how he wished to be normal, to not want to kiss his lips, to suck his grief right from his orifice, and breathe in his agony. But alas, Louis wasn't normal, he was a man who loved another, and could only grieve for his self, for never will his love be returned in a romantic way.

“I wish I could love him so, I need to protect him. I know it’s fruitless asking you, I would still take my chances though.” Louis murmurs, one last glance to the sky. Away from his sight a single shooting star glances across the sky and a wish it grants. A twist in the universe has taken course. No need for the frowns and frets, you shall be loved too. Louis knew this just wasn't his fairy-tale.

 

 

$~~~~~~$

 

 

 A knock interrupts Louis, who was in the process of finishing another letter about a soldier who finished counselling today. “Come in.” He says instead.

A head of curly hair pops in, all youth lost from his face. Bags black-ish under his eyes and two hollow shadows on his cheeks.

“Alex, hello! How are we today?” Louis asks cheerfully as Alex comes in and takes a seat across Louis.

Alex makes a gesture with his hand that meant ‘so-so’. Alright then.

“So I thought long and hard last night and ended up thinking. I live alone in a house too big for me. And you need to stay around people, so I wanted to suggest you staying with me. Only if it’s alright with you. No pressure.” Louis says.

“How kind of you, Louis. Thank you so much! I would love to. Only if it’s not asking much of you.” Alex politely says, excitement not hidden.

“Nonsense, I offered. I wouldn’t have if I thought that I couldn’t take care of you.” Louis says offhandedly as he walks up to Harry and stands beside him.

“I will forever be grateful of you, Louis.” Alex whispers, eyes not meeting Louis’.

“How are the erm, rashes?”

“I applied a cream last night and it’s not burning as much.” Alex says with a smile that lasts a second.

“Although there is something that has me more distressed than usual. I had a dream last night. A dream about you. And you were there, standing on a hill when suddenly you weren’t anymore. You were lying on the ground. A bullet wound on your head and I couldn’t save you. And-and Niall was there. Right next to you. He stepped on that mine and I couldn’t save him either. And-and....” He broke into a gasping sob, his chest heaving tightly.

“Alex. Calm down Alex. Do you want to talk about Niall? Or why you had this dream?” Louis asks, not being able to see him in any sort of pain.

Alex nods as he hiccups lightly.

“I think you had this dream because your subconscious cannot possibly cope with the idea of what happened during the war. It just projects certain ideas and connects the day’s happenings to it. You saw me the other day, right. And you have seen several men being shot the same way. So your brain put my face to a faceless man and made it a photograph in your brain. It’s a symptom of PTSD, Alex. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Given the events of war that you suffered through, you also have Survivors guilt. It’s why you always feel like torturing yourself. You think that keeping yourself awake at night to keep watch would turn back time and maybe the things that happened won’t happen. Or that you can avoid others getting hurt.

“But it doesn’t work like that Alex. What’s happened is not your fault. What is going to happen won’t be your fault. It was inevitable, what with the war at our heads. You cannot punish yourself like that. You need to take of yourself.” Louis sighs.

“Louis, I was there when we got in contact. I was there standing right in the middle of the minefield, along with so many others. But as people blew up left and right, I got out of there safe. There were Germans on my back. There was no one from my battalion alive as I ran with my almost dead mate on my back. I could have brought him out alive.  I could have asked him to follow my footsteps and not asked him to run side-by-side. I did that. It was because of my foolish mistake that he is dead. His leg was blown up as he stepped on the mine. His entire leg blew up, and burnt most of his body. And I cried as I ran to his help, but we were between crossfire.” Harry’s wet eyes glazed over, a dark look taking over his eyes. The visions of the burning woods and the smell of burnt flesh taking over, he felt the weight of a body press to his shoulder. He could feel the soot and ash in his lungs. He could feel the sting of his tears in his eyes.

“He got shot thrice, but I didn’t get shot once. I was the one standing tall with a man on my shoulders and he was the one who got shot. He still didn’t die. He cried with agony as the Air Force blew out the field and I ran.” He hears the bullets being shot in a speed unknown to common man. He hears shouts. And he hears the groans and cries of men lying on the ground, half dead. He hears the codes of the battalion doctor screaming to the men lying in the camps. And he remembers being there next to Niall as he was injected with the morphine. There was blood seeping in his eyes. His mouth was already slick with spit and blood. There was ash on his sunny face. And the crooked watery smile he gave Alex as he squeezed his hand one last time. And the way he died at exactly 4:27pm of 29th May, 1940, leaving Alex alone in a war.

“He died at the hands of the battalion doctor who administered the morphine to him. He smiled like he did the first time we met and within moments his eyes were closed. He had left me alone. My battalion doctor had to pull me off his body as I refused to leave as he was being sent home. He came a sunny boy with crooked teeth and he went home a dead man who killed before dying, but he was still as sunny as he was.”

$~~~~~~$

 

“Hey, you didn’t go home? I thought you would like to grab your stuff before we went back to mine.” Louis asks, with a tilt of his head.

“I thought you could help me get all my stuff. It’s three bags and a small case.” Alex says, shy.

“Sure, we can go together. Now?” Louis asks.

He didn’t want to walk on eggshells around him. He knew now how much damage the war did. He wanted to bring him back. He wanted to cry when he read that Alex had just turned 19 when he was put into war. Put to fight men, to kill them, to serve his nation. A 19 year old suffered at the hands of war and he felt sick to his core.

 Louis walked close to Alex as he led them to where he was living. At a cheap residential building surrounded by junkies and prostitutes, Alex pulled Louis close to him as he opened his door to the apartment he was stationed in by the Government.

“Aye, faggot brought another to fuck tonight.” A brutish woman shouted from the corner of the road as she eyed Louis and Alex, a grimace on her face, her teeth blackened by tobacco and a gaggle of men appeared out of nowhere as they screamed to their heart’s content about how they were faggots and gays who were going to die in hell.

“Ignore them. Pay them no heed. The woman runs the brothel behind the street and the men whore around there, snorting substance and injecting themselves from used up syringes. They are beyond either of our help and are rather a waste of human flesh.” Alex whispers as he ducks his head down and pulls Louis inside to shield them away from the eyes of the people outside.

Louis had been subject to slurs back in his old town. But he thought he had shielded his identity well enough that people don’t come to know of his sexuality. Was he really that transparent?

“Stop thinking about them. I find it hypocritical of them to call out on somebody’s sexuality or even assume it for that matter.” Alex whispers and suddenly Louis realizes that hand rubbing circles on his back.

Louis nods and manages a smile for Alex’s sake.

“Why were you even staying at this god forsaken place?” Louis asks.

“Because this is what I can afford in this city.” Alex shrugs as he grabs the two bags from his room and asks Louis to grab the case out of the kitchen. Louis does as said and then determinedly says, “You are never coming back here. I won’t allow you to stay here any longer.”

“Where would I even go?” Alex asks with his brows furrowed.

“You will stay with me.” Louis says as if he were saying it’s sunny outside.

“I wouldn’t want to be a burden.”

“And I wouldn’t let you live here. That leaves you with the only option of staying with me.” Louis says as he smiles at Alex as he picks up one of the bags from Harry’s hand and leads him outside. They are snickered at and bad-mouthed as they walked towards the main street to catch a carriage to Louis’.

“Can you even afford to ride a carriage?” Alex asks whispering softly.

“Obviously.” Louis scoffs at Alex’s doubts.

They are dropped off at Louis’ and Louis pays the man and turns around to watch Alex gaping at his house.

“Come on in, now you.” Louis says as he picks up the case and bag as he opens the door. The neighbour opens the door at that moment and eyes Harry before smiling at Louis and saying, “Louis darling. The post man stopped by. Three letters all addressed to you. Oh! And Catherine came by to clean the house. She even cooked lasagne for dinner. Here’s her key.”

“Hello, Mrs. Carter. This is Private Alex Styles. He is a friend and he was assigned to be counselled by me. But the place he was staying at was pretty shabby. So I asked him to move here. You know how lonely it gets here. Also, thank you for taking my post. Did he deliver it by hand? Is it urgent?” Louis says as Mrs. Carter handed him the key first and then the envelopes.

“They were telegrams, I suppose. Not letters. Have a good night you two.” She says as she goes back inside.

“Nosy lady. Should have just put the locked mailbox.” Louis mutters as he drags Harry inside. He flicks the light on and sees the state of his house. It looked clean and there was fresh food on the table.

“Make yourself home. The bedrooms are all on the second level. The kitchen, the living room. The fireplace works. There are books if you are into reading. The radio catches signal in the corner. The records for the gramophone are on the second rack of the books rack. What else? Aah, the back yard opens to a tea room, and if you are interested in gardening, the shed has all my tools. Tomorrow is Saturday, we can go out then. Let’s go and acquaint you to your room.” Louis rambles on.

He leads Alex to the second level and there are four doors upstairs. He opens one and it is a baby blue room, with a comfortable looking bed in the middle, a cupboard on the wall, a wide window that looked over the back yard and a chair and desk with a light hanging over it.

“It’s not much, but I hope you like it. And oh, the bathroom is attached here. It is shared by the room next to this, but as no one stays there, it’s all yours. Get cleaned up, I will set up the table.” And as Louis spins on his heel to leave the room, he is being held back by a hand on his tiny wrist and before he can blink he is being turned around and being cuddled into a hard chest.

“Thank you.” Is whispered into his ear and a soft smile spreads on his cheeks as he hugs Alex back.

$~~~~~~$

 

A knock startles Louis out of his sleep. He rubs his eyes before he gets up and opens the door and is startled to find Alex with tear stained cheeks and red rimmed eyes. He hiccups as he jumps to hug Louis properly. He breathes him in and nuzzles into his hair. He murmurs something that gets muffled in Louis’ hair. Louis pulls back and asks, “What happened?”

A cute yawn leaves his mouth as he watches Alex try to calm himself.

“Bad dream. Can I sleep here? Niall used to let me if it bugged me too long.” Alex asks with a wild, expectant and innocent look on his face.

“No, no, sure. Come in. I don’t mind. Absolutely not. You can always come to me.” Louis whispers as he pulls Harry in and onto his bed. It was still warm and comfortable and Alex immediately curls in to Louis’ side and yawns before his eyes droop and he sleeps.

$~~~~~~$

 

Louis wakes up too warm and too comfortable. It’s still dark outside. He feels hair tickle if mouth and breathe fanning on his collar. He feels the weight on his chest and he tries to roll over but finds his legs bound by another limb. It felt like sleeping under an octopus, when he is suddenly reminded of who it was he was sleeping under. Alex.

He feels a blush warm his face and he tries to ignore the warmth bubbling in his chest. He kills it before he rolls over and lets Harry cuddle him closer. Harry sniffles before he goes back to being limp. And within minutes of it Louis feels himself drift off. He falls asleep like that, under the weight of Alex’s body.

He wakes up again and this time feels the cold creep up his spine as he tries to pull on his covers but finds them on. He opens his eyes and sees his human heater had left him to sit on the chair across the bed. Alex was sipping tea and reading the newspaper. His hair was sleep tousled and he looked soft and innocent.

“Oh, you are awake. How are we this morning? You looked comfy so I let you sleep and made us tea instead. They deliver your newspaper and milk. So I picked them up from outside and saw Mrs. Carter snooping with her cat.” Alex jokes around.

“Did you sleep well?” Is all Louis asks.

“Like a child. I don’t remember the last time I slept so well. You make an amazing body pillow.” Alex says as he laughs a little.

Louis squawks and throws a pillow at Alex who tries to dodge it but ends up getting hit. Alex laughs louder and ends up honking a snort. Louis looks endeared as Harry puts his hand on his mouth embarrassed.

“I am so sorry. That was so embarrassing.” Alex says as he continues to laugh.

“Let me brush and then we can go downstairs and have breakfast.” Louis says as he stretches and stands up from his bed.

“I will be downstairs.” Alex says as he gets up and takes the newspaper with him.

Louis nods as he sees Alex walk away with a smile on his face.

Louis does his morning business in the hastiest manner. He foregoes shaving his stubble and combing his hair. He dresses in a comfortable t-shirt and loose shorts. He walks down and sees Alex making eggs and buttering two toasted bread.

"You look like a boy." Alex comments at Louis' choice of clothing.

They have breakfast while discussing the political affairs of the world and hopping around the topic of war.

$~~~~~~$

 

 

Louis sets up his gardening tools and decides to show Alex how to do some gardening. They cut leaves and stem certain plants, the sing songs of folk and exchange stories of childhood.

“Why were they calling you gay? The people from yesterday?” Louis asks cautiously.

“Because I am. If it weren’t clear from their pure disdain.”Alex mutters, a small blush reddening his cheeks.

“Well, sometimes they say it just to get on people’s nerves.” Louis explains.

“Well, not me. They see the way I look at men. They somehow see through my skin. See that I have laid with my gender. See that I love the calloused grip of a man than the sweet tenderness of a woman. And I am not ashamed.” Alex says, little angry, more determined.

“I am proud of you. I am really proud of you Alex.” Louis whispers as he takes his hand in his own.

“Why?” Alex whispers back.

“Because you are unafraid to love. Because you don’t eternally feel like a crazy man. Because you take it in your stride. I am a coward.” Louis says, with small tears in his eyes.

“Louis...” Alex whispers as he sees Louis run away inside.

Dinner is silent and Louis avoids Alex like the plague. Louis locks himself in his room and falls asleep like that, angry at himself, for reasons unknown to him.

 

$~~~~~~$

Louis startles awake again at 1AM when he feels the creaking floorboards give up. He hears muttering and attentively listens carefully to realize that Alex was having another episode.

He gets up from his bed and walks downstairs to see his kitchen table upturned and behind it Alex was sat with his broom, thinking it to be his rifle. He immediately walks closer to him and crouches don next to him and feels Alex startle a she comes to.

“It’s only me. Only you and me, Alex. No one else. Repeat after me. I am Alex Styles. I am 23. I live in London. I live with Louis Tomlinson. I am not at war. I am no longer at Dunkirk. I am not being shot at.”

Alex repeats like a parrot and continues to repeat it till he calms down, till he believes it.

And once he calms down he grabs Louis and crashes down, he breaks down. He falls apart. He cries.

“Shh. Shh. Nothing, nothing at all. You are alright. Nothing is happening to you. You are safe.” Louis murmurs as he rubs Alex’s back, trying to soothe him.

Alex keeps crying as Louis cuddles him to his chest, he pulls him by his shoulders and pushes him down to his chest. He parts his knees so that Alex could lie down across his chest.

"I just want to sleep next to you."

And when he does he whispers sweet-nothings and helps him fall asleep.

They fall asleep like that, on the cold kitchen floor, Alex cuddled close to Louis and Louis pressing small kisses to the back of his neck.

$~~~~~~$

They go back to being the best of friends. Louis goes to work from 11am to 6pm everyday from Monday to Friday and they roam around London on the weekends. It’s three weeks before Alex suffers from another episode. This one happens when Louis isn’t home and Louis’ maid Catherine finds Alex trying to smash Louis’ television because he heard the voice of choppers. She shuts Alex in his room and asks the little boy next door to run and get the Doctor.

Louis comes within half an hour when the Doctor is just about to leave.

“What happened? Where is Alex?” Louis asks as he steps inside the threshold of his house.

“Dr. Tomlinson. The man was very manic and Miss Catherine here freaked out because he was trying to break your television. So she locked him in his room upstairs before calling me here. I administered some muscle relaxants. And he is asleep now. He had really high blood pressure and he possibly would have suffered from an aneurysm if not calmed immediately. Otherwise, he is alright.” The Doctor nods at Catherine and she walks away.

“Was he by any chance part of the war? Because while I was checking his vitals, his behaviour pattern is very similar to that of a soldier. Damaged, that one. Thoroughly   damaged, I tell you. He suffers from shock, he has depression and PTSD. Why not just take him to the Psychiatric ward?”The Doctor asks.

“I am his assigned counsellor and I say he is way better than when he came to me first. He was having episodes every night. Their frequency has gone down to once a month. He has suffered a lot. But I believe he is well on his way of recovery.” Louis huffs incredulously.

“I trust your judgement,  Doctor Tomlinson. I will take your leave. I will post the bill.”  The Doctor says before leaving.

Louis sighs as he sumps against the shut door and crumples to the floor like a dry sand castle.

$~~~~~~$

 

Alex breaks down crying when he wakes up and finds Louis asleep against the door of his room, still in his coat jacket and clothes he wore to work this morning.

He was pathetic, he was doing so well and then the sound of choppers sent him spiralling down. Pathetic. He was pathetic.

“Alex?’ He hears Louis’ voice.

Alex crouches down to where Louis was sat and bends down, tears falling freely.

“Shh, love. Don’t cry.” Louis says easily as he pulls him into his chest.

But Alex just cries harder.

So Louis does something before thinking it through.

He slots his lips with Alex’s and gasps when he is not resisted but kissed back.

They kiss till Alex is only hiccupping slightly. He feels their lips curve up in a smile against each other. He feels the light headedness from kissing so long. He  feels Alex’s hand creep behind his neck and the push on his lips as they fall back into it.

Louis pulls away and stands up, pulling Alex with him.

“Come here.” He says as he leads Alex to his own bedroom.

They sit on the bed, breathless as their lips find themselves. The kiss remains no longer chaste as Alex pushes his tongue into Louis’ mouth and tastes him and Louis tastes the salt from their tears and the feeling of Alex heavy on his tongue. A small whimper leaves his mouth as Alex sucks on his tongue. Teeth nipping lightly. Alex pushes at Louis’ shoulder and yanks away the coat and slowly moves to unbutton his shirt as well.

Louis’ whimpers when Alex’s knuckle brushes his upright nub. He had sensitive nipples and he groaned as Alex pushed against them knowingly.

Their lips never part as Alex pulls Louis into his lap, kissing him hard while Louis pushes his hips across Alex’s crotch to get some kind of friction. Their hardened shafts rub against each other, their pants obstructing any skin-on-skin touch.

Louis thinks that he would combust if Alex touched him down there.

Alex breaks apart and stares at Louis with deep dark eyes that seem lust filled and not depressed.

Louis’ is feeling waves of pleasure course through him in huge surges, rendering him incoherent. Alex knew it from the lax manner of Louis’ body. He held him tighter and kissed him chastely, pulling back and just staring at the boy in his arms. Louis looked angelic, eyes closed, lips parted, swollen and red, and a wide blush peeking through his scruff, and his neck tilted and an open invitation for Alex’s teeth to graze.

Louis moans uncontrollably as Alex finds his sweet spot, softly, murmuring things like, “So soft, so small. Bet you taste even sweeter.” Louis mewls at each nip; each sweet-nothing going straight to his heart, his blood bursting with anticipation.

“Alex please, just please.”

“Please what, Louis?”

“Fuck me. Take me. Make me yours.”

The room was slightly dishevelled, but the bed was clear, spare of some pillows. Alex dumps Louis on the bed, but careful not to hurt him. Louis quickly gets up and kneels, removing his top. Alex does the same, removing his clothes and leaning down to press kisses to Louis’ face. Kissing his cheekbones, his nose, his eyes, his forehead, and his lips. Once, twice, thrice. Louis squeaks when Alex bites on his bottom lip and they both chuckle at the sound.

“You are so adorable. You will be the death of me, Lou.” Alex says.

Louis whimpers as an answer.

Alex quickly moves to the bed, leans on top of Louis, and kisses him sweetly. Louis grinds against Alex’s hard groin. The friction felt nice and Louis moaned into the kiss, causing Alex to moan too. Louis groaned when Alex’s hand moved down and pressed into his hard cock. A hum in the back of his throat is a mark of approval for Alex.

Alex quickly leaves Louis’ mouth and turns towards his cock, then he is face to face with Louis’ cock and he wants nothing more than to put his lips around it. He palms his own hard-on as he takes Louis’ cock in hand and starts to gently stroke him.

He puts his lips around the head and licks his tongue over the slit, eliciting purring noises from Louis. "Oh Alex!"

Alex uses his response as motivation for him to surge forward and take more of Louis in his mouth, slowly sucking on it. Louis was having a hard time staying still as Alex pushed him to his limits. Both of Louis’ hands were on Alex’s face, feeling the outline of his cock on his thin cheeks. Louis almost came when he felt his cock strike across Alex’s throat and his tongue on the vein throbbing near his base.

Alex tugged at his balls, but he wanted to look at Louis' eyes while he came, so he brushed his thumb over Louis’ eyelids and he immediately came into Alex’s mouth. Alex sucks him dry and then moves back up to kiss Louis, softly. Louis lays there boneless, having a great post-orgasmic tinge to his nerves.

Alex grabs the tub of Vaseline and asks Louis, “Do you still want this?”

Louis huffs out a yes and shakes his bum as an invitation to Alex; Alex laughs and shakes his head at Louis’ childishness.

“I am going to prep you properly before asking you again, in case you change your mind.” Alex says as he takes hold of the half-used tub of Vaseline bottle from the bedside table where he had left it. Alex applies tub of Vaseline to two of his fingers and then circles one finger around Louis’ tightened rim. He slowly enters one finger in and Louis unclenches before breathing out a huff.

Alex slowly pokes in another one and starts scissoring and Louis’ rim opens up to adjust, the sight is so enticing that Alex licks on his lips before leaning down and pressing his tongue in. Louis moans loudly and his hands try to grab at Alex’s hair. Alex chuckles and his tongue sends vibrations through Louis, causing him to whine from the pressure that was not enough.

The pressure of his wide tongue and two fingers is a lot for Louis, all at once overwhelming him.

“Stop putting me on edge, I want to come only once you are inside me, fuck.” Louis groans out.

Alex stops licking inside and pokes his tongue twice or thrice before coming up to breathe and chuckles at the sight of a red faced Louis. The confusion is clear on Louis’ face when his body aches for more when right now he wanted Alex’s tongue out of him. The wet heat was vice and Louis wanted it more.

Alex’s wildest fantasy was right in front of him, all open and wide for him, this was driving him crazy. He doesn’t waste too much time and starts to wet his cock, and aligns himself to Louis’ hole, before asking, “You can ask me to stop whenever. Alright?”

Louis spreads his legs wider as he moves a bit forward and guides Alex’s cock towards his hole. Both of them moan as Louis slowly slips it in and tries to move down to meet Alex’s hips. However, he cannot because it is so overwhelming and it is Alex and his hands are on his hips and he is holding onto Alex’s shoulder now and Alex is not pushing his limits, he is patiently waiting for Louis’ to get adjusted. Louis cries out, “Oh, Alex! You are so deep, it feels so good. Do you think you could move?”

When Alex bottoms out finally, Louis’ arms wind around Alex’s neck and his fingers wind up in Alex’s hair. Louis grinds down gently, but he feels so full right now, so fucking full and he wants to move, but fuck, Alex is impaling him and it is so wide and so long and it is Alex.

The moment is over and Louis is a moaning mess as Alex attacks him with his lips on his nipples, slightly sucking and his hands on his hips caressing softly, and Alex starts thrusting, moving up and down, left right, in figure eights and fast.  Alex hums around his left nipple and Louis moans at the feeling of being full with Alex while simultaneously giving him just as much if not more pleasure. His nipple was red and swollen as Alex pulled off with a pop.

Alex moved faster, pushing up into Louis. Louis was whining, and Alex pushed him down and laid him straight as he fucked into Louis, harder and faster.

“More! Give me all of you.” Louis moaned out as Alex grabbed both of Louis hands that had started touching him, and pushed them over his head and held onto them. He smirked at how helpless Louis looked in that moment as his face crumpled and in equally faster time, his mouth opened wide. Alex held his hands with one and pushed his other hand to hold Louis’ thigh over his shoulder as he changed the angle to fuck into him harder than before. Louis’ mouth was open in a silent scream as Alex attacked his prostate with hard thrusts in the perfect rhythm he had built, not once did his hips stutter as he attacked Louis’ insides like a hungry predator.

Louis’ voice stuttered and his breath hitched when Alex folded him in two to fuck him better, the earlier assault felt meagre in front of the oncoming move. Louis writhed under Alex, loving it too much. Alex was lost to lust and Louis was partially conscious. To some extent the bruising on Louis’ hips from where Alex was holding him and the bites on both their chests and swelling of Louis’ tummy where the indent of Alex’s cock could be seen were like the hints of prey and predator in action.

Alex freed Louis’ arms and Louis’ immediate reaction was to put them behind Alex’s neck and pull him up where he could kiss Alex. It was a bite and punch together, it was bruising and heated and filled with passion.

“A-Alex, m’ close. Fuck, harder.” Louis moans.

Louis’ back raised in pleasure grinding down to meet Alex’s thrusts. He knew Alex was close from his thrusts turning erratic, losing rhythm. A final blow to his spot has him arching off the bed and Alex peers from under closed eyes to see Louis come in white ropes all over his tummy and chest, eyes closed, mouth open in a silent scream, and body looking deliciously wrecked.

“I’m close too, shit. Bear with me some more.” Alex stutters out. His hips stutter as Louis’ tries to thrusts down and help him to his orgasm. Alex thrusts hard and slow, thrice before he can feel Louis clench around him and he gives up, letting pleasure take over him. He comes inside Louis, filling him up to the brim. Louis moans at the feeling of hot come spread on Louis’ walls. Alex drops down heavily on top of Louis, both breathing loud and fast.

“I love you.” Alex mutters along Louis’ collarbones.

“I love you.” Louis murmurs as he cards his fingers through Alex’s hair.

“I love you so much. It hurts to hurt you.” Alex whispers, staring at Louis with hazy green eyes.

“I love you so much. It hurts to see you hurt.” Louis whispers as Alex bends down to capture Louis’ lips with his own. His hips accidentally shift and the movement makes him slip out of Louis’ hole. Louis groans into the kiss as Alex slips down and lies side to side with him, still kissing him softly.

$~~~~~~$

 

 

 

“I love you.” Alex whispers into Louis’ mouth as he sends him on his way.

“And I love you.” Louis giggles as he clearly looks at the green of Alex’s eyes. They were so green, like a wild forest and he was lost in them.

“Go...” Alex whined.

It had been a year since Louis first laid eyes on the broken man who was thrown into war as soon as he turned 19. It had been a year since he decided to protect him from everything. It had been a year since he had fallen in love. It had been near to a year since they declared it out loud. It had been a year since they decided to be each other’s forever.

And Louis couldn’t ask for anything more.

Alex was not completely there all the time. There were still times when he would be on the verge of another episode. But Louis was there to ground him. Alex’s rash had completely disappeared. He no longer pinched his body to hurt himself. He no longer starved himself. He no longer kept awake for long hours.

He went back to sleeping like a normal person, a solid 8-9 hours a day and he still woke up before Louis, not like it was difficult to do so. Louis would be so tired from all the sex Alex put him through; he naturally didn’t have energy to wake up early. Alex decided to grow his hair out and he went to the local pubs and sang sometimes, Louis was always there listening to him.

Alex reached heights with his musical ability and Louis was always there for him.

Louis acted upon every promise he ever made.

They still snuck around behaving like friends, they couldn’t let slip their real relationship. And Alex would murmur along Louis’ collarbones after they lay in bed making love, “One day I will kiss you in front of all those who look upon us with disdain. I will make you believe my love for you. I will shout it from the rooftops and I will paint it in the sky with rainbows. For now, I just want to sleep next to you."

And Louis would moan as Alex moved slowly, teasing and edging Louis till he cried for release, Louis was not a beggar. Alex would kiss away each tear as he would move slowly, thrusting hard but slow, so slow it drove Louis mad.

They would lay face to face, Alex on top of Louis, blanketing his body and joining them in the most intimate way possible.

And Alex would join their hands on top of Louis’ head and he would mouth at Louis’ chest and his neck and his collarbones and he would mark him up and make each other so wild.

Some days, Louis would wake up cuddled to Alex’s chest, his hard on poking him from behind. And if he pushed his hips back, Alex would wake and push in dry while lying as they were, back to chest, leg thrown over Louis’ bum and Louis’ leg spread outside to allow Alex easy access.

Alex took everything slow, slow and hazy and miraculous. Mornings were their safe haven. Alex was always soft from sleep, so he murmured how much he loved Louis and he loved to make Louis cry. He was so soft and slow and languid that Louis was the one always losing him to the rhythm Alex moved them in.

Alex was 35 when they secretly married each other. No papers, no priests, no families, no ceremonies.

It was a promise of eternity, a promise of love and promise to die for the other.

Alex soon became rich as he came into money from a distant relative with no heir to challenge and his new found fame from his career in music. He became a country singer and he and Louis roamed the world hand in hand. They spent their days in the ruins of castles in Ireland and Scotland. And they ravished each other under the Sun in the Isles of Harris and the Isles of Lewis. They felt like their own. Lush green grass made their bed, and hustling wind kept their moans a secret.

The world had not known of true love till their secret got buried in books and their bodies got locked into graves. And then their love was out for everyone to see.

There had been an Alex and there had been Louis. And they had been in Love.

Just because one of them made a promise to the other to protect them forever.

 Now they laid together, because they both had said, "I just want to sleep next to you."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!  
> Leave a Kudos, comment, anything!  
> Also, there are too many mistakes that I am yet to edit. Forgive me for the part in smut where their clothing is wrongly described, (I accept that I copy pasted the smut little bit)!


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